This was written in response to a discussion on training autistic children to maintain eye contact:

For many of us, the amount of eye contact we engage in has to do with sensory regulation. For instance, I often find myself being overwhelmed by the amount of information I receive after only a few seconds of eye contact.

I imagine you might get a sense of it if you were to confront a very angry, sad or miserable person and stare them in the eyes silently for 10 minutes from a foot away. Imagine the amount of information you might receive? Can you see how painful that might be? Many of us get more than we need in a moment of contact, and need to look away to avoid a discomforting flood of very intimate - and unnecessary - sensations.

My son was able to make much more progress in school when I explained to his teachers that he wasn’t ignoring them when he looked away - he was looking away so he could pay closer attention to what they were saying. Prolonged eye contact can often be so distracting that it makes it near impossible to actually listen to what is being said. Being flooded with intimate information can make the point of the discussion hard to isolate. Besides being very painful.

It can also feel like a very intense personal boundary violation. A very inappropriate intimacy - especially with strangers and those with power and authority.

When you see an autistic stare onto someone’s eyes, it usually means he’s trying to figure out what you really mean. Eye contact, in that case, often signifies confusion.

It can be counter-productive, and a bit cruel, to “train” a child to force eye contact.

Of course, your mileage may certainly vary, but people who stare at MY eyes tend to invoke an involuntary fear or loathing in me. And when they insist, the loathing sometimes stops being involuntary.

Tags: ABA, contact, education, eye, sensory

Well, I’m back - for a while, at least.

It’s amazing how perseveration works. It’s so easy for me to find myself totally absorbed by something I never even considered interesting before. And, of course, that means I’ve lost interest in something else I once felt totally dedicated to. Anyway, I’m back to my blog - again.

Don’t ask me why I’m writing this at 4:00am. Couldn’t possibly explain. But the early hour does give me an early advantage in wishing you all Happy Thanksgiving. Dinner tomorrow today will be happy, comforting and interesting. Almost everyone there will be autistic. Everyone will be family. And everyone will be loved. And full.

Have fun, People. Relax and cherish those who care about you.

Tags: Chobi, perseveration, Thanksgiving

I was writing this as a reply to the comments to yesterday’s post, but I’ve gotten several more responses in email and elsewhere, so I figure my position may need more clarity, so I’ll reply to all here….

This topic always seems to make people angry, or nervous. I’ve seen entire online communities become embroiled in fear after some punk simply has a good day on Google and calls them on the phone. Creepy as that might be, the problem is not that the guy found your real name and number, it’s that the guy is a creep and needs to learn what boundaries are. That’s why we have sysadmins, restraining orders, muscle-bound friends and police.

As I said, Folks, I’m not criticizing anyone’s attempt to stay anonymous. I’m simply trying to encourage people not to put all their hopes on a pony that may run off when they need it most. Whether or not you use a pseudonym, be just as careful about what you share as you would be using your real name. In my case, at some point, it just didn’t matter anymore; if I was being so careful to behave just as I would under my real identity, then why waste the effort to try to preserve my secret identity?

Besides, it is essential to me to be able to speak as Truthfully as possible every time I post. I need my Word to be trustworthy. And only a fool listens to a man in disguise. Whether or not you have a good reason for a disguise, it’s still a disguise and it’s impossible for you to give your Word when you aren’t yourself.

I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to make some marginal people angry in my day. I’ve had to choose whether to give up my freedom to speak as myself or to use the tools at my disposal to manage their expectations. I have 20 phone numbers in my null-ring Ignore list. I never even hear the phone ring. I have countless addresses set to drop straight into the spam file - and I’ve learned not to make someone else’s issues my problem. Most of all, my words have just as much weight online as they would if you were standing in front of me - since you so easily could be.

After saying all this, I have to give full disclosure: I do have one false identity online. I have a very pretty female avatar in Second Life who was created in a fit of experimentation during the beta phase. (Ironically, she has managed to get a fairly weighty quote in a serious book about Second Life.) But even she will tell you who she really is - if you ask.

So, again, I am not saying you shouldn’t use a pseudonym. And I am certainly not saying you should strew personal details carelessly about, or trust in the kindness of strangers. I’m simply suggesting that there is a lot to be said for the simplicity and truthfulness of non-anonymity. And, most important: it’s unwise to put all your trust in your safety net.

Tags: anonymity